


Phobias.

by To_Matt_Oh



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Agoraphobia, Dating with a mental illness is hell let alone multiple disorders, Delusions, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jeremy is real fucked in the head - my poor boy i get you, M/M, Night Terrors, OCD, Online Friends To Online Lovers To Irl Lovers, Paranoia, Phobias, Psychosis, Psychosis-induced child abuse, Scopophobia, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, but like, human squip and is actually trying to help :0, mean voices, not 'i'm quirky and like organization' OCD, porn what porn/plot without porn, real OCD, self destructive behavior, voices in your head
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-05-03 08:58:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14565534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/To_Matt_Oh/pseuds/To_Matt_Oh
Summary: The world was a scary place, but Jeremy was safe.So long as he was inside, Jeremy was safe.Safe, safe, safe.And you can't change his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TotalCake](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TotalCake/gifts), [PrismPrince](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrismPrince/gifts).



If there was a way to describe Jeremy's lifestyle without the unfair 'stupid' or similar, it'd probably be _unnatural_. Everything from his darkened apartment, the way he did grocery shopping, damn even his job and credit cards were all thanks to technology, and Jeremy was so thankful, because even just some twenty years ago, he'd have to deal with his phobias and screwed mind or kill himself, so he always thanked the technological advances other people dreaded so much.

It wasn't his fault tho, the world was a scary place, he knew.

But don't take it wrong, he also knew how wrong his perception of it was, like he was seeing it through a colored, darkened, stained and scratched glass; he knew he wasn't seeing the real thing, but he also didn't knew what was real and what wasn't, and that was what scared him to no limits.

Mental illnesses are scary.

He knew, he saw his own mom dealing with them, suddenly, but also ever so slowly morphing into someone he didn't knew, someone who wasn't his mom. His mom had vanished into a stranger. A stranger that wanted him dead.

It hadn't always been like this though, he used to like to go out and play baseball (and be the worst player at school, it was fun regardless), to play hopscotch and to go to the park and feed the ducks, he used to love sunday afternoons, when his dad would take him for an ice cream and hold him over the counter so he could pick a flavor, he like to take a bite from his father's own scoop and complain about how bad adult flavors like coffee were. He liked to be carefree.

But that was a long time ago, when he was eight.

He was 23 now. 23 and scared to no limits.

 

* * *

Jeremy woke up shaking and sweating, his throat so dry he had to cough before chugging the water he always kept by his bedside, not without turning the bottle upside-down three sets of three times to avoid getting poisoned. Stupid? Yes, but it had worked so far, so he wasn't going to give it a lot of thought, not now.

He looked around trying to guess what time it was (a little too difficult when you don't have visual cues for lighting) so he grabbed his phone, checking up the screen it was somewhere around 4 am, that was a good time to start a day, right? After all, once he woke up he couldn't sleep anymore or he'd definitively die.

Mental illnesses are stupid.

He knew, but he got up nonetheless, rummaging through the room for his computer. The chair in front of his desk had a pile of clothes over it, and that was a problem, but it wasn't laundry time yet, so he took the laptop and moved to the kitchen, stopping by the door and jumping over his toes twice to avoid walking in on a ghost. Stupid, but functional, he wasn't gonna complain.

The first thing he saw when the screen lit up was an email from his therapist.

[ **Skipper E. Quincy** <sq.councelingandtheraphy@gmail.com>]

> The more you avoid something, the scarier it becomes.
> 
> How about you go out of your comfort zone and try to message some random people online? Try seeking for people with common interests like music, cartoons, even youtubers to make creating a bond easier.
> 
> How about trying a dating application if you feel like going even further out? Sometimes the people we make deeper connections with are the ones we less expect to.
> 
> The world is a wonderful place, you just have to take your shots!
> 
> Don't forget to take your meds and report anything you may be worried about asap.
> 
> Quincy.

Jeremy gulped. Befriending people, even online almost felt like someone asking him 'why don't you make a backflip into this pool of water filled with ice cubes, dude? it'll be rad!'

"Online dating? You?" Chloe's voice sounded somewhere in the room, making Jeremy jump on his spot. No matter how many years she'd been here, he'll never get used to her sudden intrusions. "Oh, please, don't make me laugh! It would be easier to get  _me_ to wear one of your ugly shirts."

"Chlo, don't be rude, he's trying his best." A gentler, softer voice argued. Jeremy could almost feel her frowning at her friend, protectively holding his head to her chest, so he tilted it slightly to the left.

"Yeah." He mumbled softly.

"Well,  _obviously_ your best isn't working, is it?"

"Chloe!"

"Gals, gals, can you please stop you gibberish?" This time it was a masculine voice, Rich, the one who spoke, Jeremy grimaced at the feeling of saliva lightly splashing his face. "Can't you see Jeremy's getting all distressed?" He mocked, making an audible pouty face and causing Chloe to laugh obnoxiously.

Mental illnesses where pure shit.

"Hey, tall-ass, are you gonna go out with your date too? Are you gonna go  _to the outside_ like a normal person too? I bet you'd love to hug the trees and look around at the landscape too! Or is it still all too scary? Do you still think the world will crumble over you and swallow you whole? They can see you, Jeremy, they know you're nothing but a pussy, Jeremy, we know you're nothing but a pussy.  _We can see you._ " Rich insisted, his voice distorting in a hellish way, sending Jeremy to panic.

He screamed, begging the voices to go away and breathing quickly, his heart aching like someone was pinching it.

The voices were gone. They knew Rich had closed the line bringing the outside and the eyes into this, but Jeremy was already crying and pulling his hair, there was nothing they could do now.

 

* * *

Jeremy knew it was all inside his head, that's what made it all that bad.

How do you deal with something that's not real?

How do you deal with  _yourself?_

**Mental illnesses are hell.**


	2. Progress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who the hell decided that picking out which pictures had random objects out of a bunch of pictures was a good idea?

If there was someone Jeremy would write a thank you letter to, they were probably a Google extension developer.

He wouldn’t even be able to use his computer if it wasn’t for the couple (or bunch) of image blockers he had installed on google, and that was a huge relief because that was the only way he was able to literally keep himself in a reasonably stable position since everything he did was thanks to technology, his job, therapy, even grocery shopping, but now, with the pointer hovering over the ‘disable all’ button he was getting ready to tiptoe out of his comfort zone.

_Who the hell decided that picking out which pictures had random objects out of a bunch of pictures was a good idea?_

It took a ton of deep breaths to finish the captcha, and when he did, he was already crying, but now he could finally have a breakdown, so he did.

Legs pulled against his chest, he buried his head over them and focused all of his energy on being afraid of something that couldn’t even hurt him.

It sounded ridiculous, Jeremy knew, but the thought of the outside made it difficult to breath, and that hurt, it filled his stomach with the feeling that it was going to bleed at any second, and that hurt too, and so did his heart, and his chest, and his back, everything hurt, everything, so he had fair reasons to be scared, didn't he?

 

As if on cue, the computer screen lit up with the tutorial on. White arrows pointed at basic stuff and some unique in-site options.

He couldn’t do this.

The tutorial was easy, the picture for an example was just a gray silhouette and bars mocking information, but when he clicked to finish it, then there was a girl on a beach, her eyes set on him, chasing him, laughing at him for being afraid of nothing, of a couple rocks, sensorial organs, an endless sky. He clicked ignore as fast as he could, making the next picture roll in.

He couldn’t do this.

Not today.

Objectively, he had gone a great length away from his comfort zone, in which he had been nesting in for years and years on top. He had powered trough a couple of panic attacks and only vomited twice, and although it might seem as pathetic for a person who has never had to deal with anything like this, Jeremy had done an amusing job in one single day.

That way, next day his computer stayed untouched, he occupied himself doing chores, making sure no cameras were instilled anywhere in his house, making sure no one was hiding in the dark, tight corners, and making sure his dad was okay and hadn't been murdered yet.

“So you’re back into the dating scheme? That’s great chump!” The man chirped through the phone. “Maybe you’ll meet someone who'll force you go out every now and then.”

Jeremy swallowed. He hated the idea of being forced to do anything, he might be slow to reach goals, but when he decided to do anything he was honest to god going to do it, no matter how hard it was. He had managed and, to make an example, isolated himself from any other human and the exterior world for more than four years now.

“I’m not ‘back into the scheme’, dad, I was never in.” He mumbled while twirling the cord between his fingers, his mind going back to the ‘interests’ section he had left blank on his profile.

“... Yeah, yeah, you’re right. What’d your therapist say? Did you told him already?”

“How’s work?” Jeremy dodged, he may not do many interesting things but he did more than therapy and meds.

Sure, like sleeping and coding websites.

After talking for some more, he apologized and promised to call sometime between Saturday and Monday, then hung up. He had some laundry to do.

He looked up at the clock, making sure his schedule was still safe and then the door was audibly closed. Jeremy tensed up, he was usually in the washing room by the time his landlord delivered him his stuff, but now he didn't knew, was he still inside? He didn't wanted to turn around, and the only thing he could hear was his heart going haywire in his ears.

But he couldn't hear anything else and his voice of panic kept saying that maybe he was hiding somewhere and was going to kill him for being such a nuisance.

He started looking around, frantically cleaning everything on his way, because what if something from outside had creeped inside without the old man noticing? What if he had brought someone in? What if he had hired a hitman? Or even worse, what if he had installed cameras to spy on him and sell his story to TV for everyone to see?!

If it was a person, then the sound of the vacuum would probably scare them away, yeah, totally.

Once the area was cleaned he finally could open his packages, always tapping on the sides in case a giant scorpion was enclosed in there.

His groceries were there, some shampoo and several rolls of hygienic paper. He didn't wanted to run out of it all of a sudden, so he always ordered more once his stack reached the dangerous level of 10 rolls.

He prepared a meal.

It had been cleaning day, plus he made progress on his treatment, so he made two packets of ramen soup and a hard boiled egg to put over it.

There were no voices for dinner.

Jeremy's chest filled with pride, maybe excitement. He was getting better, actually getting better! Maybe in two years he'd be able to live his best life, go out and have dates with people. Maybe he had been faking everything too, maybe he had convinced himself that he was sick. Either way, he was getting out.

Last thing Jeremy did before going to sleep was checking the app on his phone. He was very curious and at least he could cover the pictures with his finger and only read the biographies.

There were lots of people who liked to go out on hikes, or parties, or expensive cafés and were looking for a hookup or a daddy or whatever the hell, but Jeremy shivered every time.

He had 3 nightmares that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been waiting in my drafts for me to build the courage to post since mid june and i just kept putting it off or forgeting it so yeah, hope you enjoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Mental Health Month!!! Come scream to me at @to-matt-oh in tumblr if you want and don't forget to comment to make me feel like I did something right ;)


End file.
